Ghosts of the Past
by Simone of the Zordiak
Summary: Searching for a way to anchor his soul, Angel meets someone he had believd dead. Waring: MM pairing. If you don't like such things, don't go any further


TITLE: Ghosts of the past  
AUTHOR: Simone of the Zordiak  
EMAIL: burning_night@hotmail.com  
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns them all.... well except Feli and her  
friends, they're my creation  
(bwahahaha... mine, all mine!!!)  
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free ... just tell me, I'd like to know where  
it goes to.  
RATING: PG-13 (this part)  
SPOILERS: This a bonafide AU with mentionings of several Angel and  
BtVS episodes up to 'Eternity' (Angel) and Hush/Doomed (BtVS)  
PAIRING: A(us)/X  
AUTHORS NOTES: English is not my native language  
FEEDBACK: Is there a writer who doesn't want feedback ???  
Constructive critic always welcomed  
Flamers beware... I'm a fast learner and I have a good memory  
  
*** L.A. ***  
  
The youngish looking man slid through the crowd like a wisp of  
smoke, a brown paper bag with groceries clutched tightly in his  
arms. Nobody overly noticed him, he was just a face in the crowd,  
a nameless being, a short-time memory in the brains of the  
people around him. For them he was like a ghost and he was ok  
with that.  
  
Without hurry he stepped into a dark alley and entered a seemingly  
abandoned warehouse... his home... for the moment. In the next  
instant he was surrounded by children, laughing, bantering and  
begging children.  
  
He smiled as he hunched down to pass out the treats he had  
gathered, apples, pears, oranges and peaches. It wasn't much,  
but it was more than the children had known before he had started  
to take care of them.  
An older girl tugged at his jacket, wanting to get his attention.  
He turned to her, raising an eyebrow questionly.  
  
"You have been gone for a long time, Ghost. We were worried about  
you."  
  
A shy smile hushed over Ghost's lips while his hands were busy  
explaining why he had come late.  
'I am sorry Feli, but Pater Marcus had found a place for Tony and  
he was happy and I was happy and I forgot the time.'  
"A place for Tony? That's great!"  
  
She hugged him, laughing out loud, happy for the boy that would  
get a new home now, thanks to Ghost, who never tired to search  
for them.  
  
The spontaneous celebration was interrupted when Ghost suddenly  
doubled over, hiding his face in his arms.  
  
"Ghost? Ghost!" she tugged at his arms, already knowing what she  
would see when he finally let her uncover his face.  
  
Ridges distorting his forehead, fangs that were unconsciously  
gnawing at his lower lip and red-golden eyes that were closed  
in self-loathing and shame.  
  
"Ghost, when did you last eat?" She held him, forcing him to look  
at her. A tired 'I don't know.' was all she needed to see him  
signaling.  
  
"Come, you need to eat." She tugged until he stood up and lead  
him to a secluded area of the warehouse. Several rat cages were  
stored here, filled with noisy squeaking animals. He sighed,  
a toneless sigh, only visible through the slumping of his  
shoulders.  
  
'I hate it.' His hands told her.  
"I know, but you have to eat, Ghost. Or you will die and then we  
will be alone again."  
'Dying is not an option for me, Feli. You know that.'  
"Yes, but I still would feel better if you started to take better  
care of you. Not working until you are close to death, regularly  
eating... that would make me happy, would make all of us happy."  
'I.. I will try, Feli. I can't promise you more, but I will  
try.'  
"Good. You can start trying by eating something. And don't try  
to fool me.. I know all the hiding-the-food-beneath-the-salad  
tricks." She finished jokingly.  
'Yes, mom.' He turned towards the cages, only to turn back to  
her. 'Feli?' His hands asked shyly.  
"Yes, Ghost?"  
'Could you leave me alone, please? I don't... want you to see  
me like this.'  
  
She simply nodded, turned around and left.  
  
He waited until he couldn't hear her heartbeat anymore before  
he pounced at the rats, draining them until they were noting  
more than dry husks. When he finally pulled out of his feeding  
frenzy he let himself sink to the floor, huddling in midst of  
the rat-corpses and cried. A voiceless, toneless sobbing of  
misery and shame for what he had become.  
  
***  
  
Angel's eyes were trained at the ceiling, yet his mind was turned  
inwards and he didn't really see anything. He tried to ignore the  
chains that bound him to his bed, chains that his friends had  
deemed necessary because HE had been loose again. He... Angelus.  
Just a sip of champagne, spiked with an unknown drug and he had  
become a psychotic monster again. Now he was scared. He had  
thought himself somewhat save, as long as he stayed away from  
Buffy, as long as he didn't fell in love again. But now he wasn't  
that sure any more. How much happiness was too much? His mind  
raced, thinking about possible scenarios of danger. There were so  
many different forms and ways of being happy, which form was OK  
and what was dangerous for his soul?  
  
The door opened and Wesley stepped inside, a key ring in his  
hands. It seemed that Wes and Cordy had decided that he had  
waited long enough to be released. He waited patiently as  
Wesley unlocked and removed the chains. Slowly he sat up, not  
wanting to scare him. He had scared both of them enough  
yesterday.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Angel looked up, surprised, he hadn't  
expected this caring question. Not now, not from the ex-watcher.  
But he could feel that the question was genuine and he deserved  
the truth. "I'm scared." He answered simply.  
Wesley crocked an eyebrow.  
  
"I thought I would be save as long as I stayed away from Buffy,  
or fell in love again, but now... ."  
  
"You are afraid that you will loose your soul again." Wesley  
summarized.  
  
"Yes." Angel muttered, "You have seen me yesterday. Just a bit of  
a drug and I'm a kill-happy lunatic again. What else is there? A  
joke, a trusting client... there are so many possibilities. Maybe  
the next time it's for real and you have to stake me before I  
start killing again or chain me up until you can get Willow to do  
the soul curse again." He stopped, shook his head. "I don't know  
what to do, how to prevent this. I think that scares me the  
most."  
  
"I see," Wesley muttered, "but maybe we could find a way to anchor  
your soul... I mean... I don't know.., but there has to be a way  
to secure your soul to you."  
  
Angel thought about it and nodded slowly. "Yes. I think you're  
right... . There has to be a way, we only have to find it."  
  
*** six days later ***  
  
Wesley stormed into the office, his face beaming. He had finally  
found the information he had searched so desperately for. A way  
to secure Angel's soul to him. There was just a tiny catch.  
  
"Angel?" He practically bounced.  
  
"Wesley?" Angel could smell the man's excitement, knew he had  
found something even without watching him bounce... but it was  
such a cute picture.  
  
"I have found a way to anchor your soul... no let me rephrase  
this... I.. one of my contacts I've known since my watcher training,  
she told me that 'Heaven's voice' lives in LA. There is nothing  
'Heaven's voice' can't do, as long as it is with good intentions.  
The Voice is heavens greatest earthly agent. He or she can do it,  
can bind your soul to you forever... the catch is that we have  
to find the Voice first and as far as I know, nobody even knows  
if the Voice is male or female."  
  
Angel stared at him, blinked. How had Wes managed to tell all  
this without taking a breath? After all the ex-watcher was a  
human, he should have to stop to breathe from time to time. Then  
finally his words sank in. A way to anchor his soul. To be free  
of the fear of being too happy, of being happy at all. All he had  
to do was finding one unknown person in the million-city LA. Well  
had won against worse odds than this and it was the first real  
possibility they had found.  
  
***  
  
Ghost sighed tonelessly. Sometimes living with the children was  
a test of endurance. Like now. His face was covered with second  
and third degree burns and the children wouldn't stop cooing about  
him. He felt like a life-size doll... the only thing they hadn't  
tried yet was dressing him in some pretty clothes and make him  
meet some other poor life-size barbie doll.  
He wearily closed his eyes, mimicking sleep and listening to  
the children leaving quietly. Blessed silence.  
  
Footsteps... and a familiar heartbeat. Feli. But he didn't want  
to be mothered anymore, he tried to fake sleep, hoping she would  
get the hint and leave him alone.  
  
Feli nudged him repentantly to get his attention and when he  
finally looked up at her, she handed him a cup, brimming with still  
warm blood. Rat blood, and he didn't have to ask who had killed  
the rats for him, he could smell the odor of the rats still  
clinging to her fingers.  
  
He looked down, but took the cup, emptying it in one long draught.  
"There isn't that better?" Feli asked as she took the cup out of  
his unresisting hands. And she was right. He had needed it, yet he  
hated to eat in front of anyone.  
'You already know, Feli. I just don't like to eat in front of you.'  
"I know. But you should know that no one will think less about you,  
not after what you did for that woman yesterday or for any of us.. .  
Let me see.. you took us from the streets, you gave us a home,  
protection and you are constantly working to give us a chance at  
life. C'me on. You are our hero, Ghost."  
  
A smile hushed over his face as he heard her enthusiastic words.  
He wasn't used to such words of praise, yet he did know that Feli  
was always brutally honest with him. She was speaking what she  
was thinking. He bowed his head. 'Always aiming to please you, my  
fair lady.' She giggled. "Ghost, you're one of a kind."  
'True, Feli, true.' More true than you will ever know, Feli, he  
thought as she snuggled next to him. Her warmth blanketing him, he  
let himself drift in a much needed healing sleep.  
  
***  
  
Cordelia was sorting the mail, mostly junk mail with one or two  
odd bills thrown into for good measure. She shook her head,  
wondering how many other offices in the city would get bills for  
A'greskya skin or Tfjdol stones... probably none. And that damn  
skin had been really expensive! Heavens, she owed dresses that  
hadn't cost as much as the irisend demonskin!  
  
She was so distracted by her inner monolog, that she didn't  
noticed the door to the office slowly opening... she did notice  
the insitent tugging at her skirt through. When she turned around  
to mouth off at the intruder she came face to face with a small  
boy, who was smiling at her with huge brown eyes.  
  
All her anger melted away as he smiled at her, it was so damn  
difficult to stay angry at someone who looked so sweet. "Hello  
sweetie. What can I do for you? Are you lost?" The boy simply  
shook his head and handed her a plain white envelope.  
  
She turned the envelope in her hands, noticed the name and was  
shocked. So shocked that she didn't notice the boy slipping out  
of the office and vanishing in the crowd.  
  
When she finally looked up, the child was long gone and with him  
her only chance of getting answers. She stared back at the  
innocent white envelope that had caused her shock. It was boringly  
normal... except for the address.  
  
'Angelus' was written in flowing letters on the front. And in the  
left corner, as return address, there stood two words. Two words  
that were rocking her world on many different levels.  
'Heaven's voice'.  
  
***  
  
Angel stared at the letter, at the answer of all his searches and  
a feeling of numbness was creeping up his spine. A month, an entire  
month he had searched for the tiniest clue of the being called  
'Heaven's voice' without even the smallest success and now, when  
he had been close to giving up, he had gotten a time and an address  
to meet with the elusive being. His thoughts raced. All his  
instincts were screaming 'TRAP' at him, yet he couldn't simply  
put the letter aside and forget about it. What if the letter was  
true? What if this was his only chance to meet this person who  
could ease the burden of his curse a little? Unconsciously his  
fingers were folding and unfolding the fateful note.  
  
Cordelia had been hyper excited when she had given him the letter,  
after telling him all the details how she had gotten it, almost  
gushing when she talked about the sweet little boy with the big  
brown eyes who had delivered the letter.  
  
He looked down at the crumpled letter and made a decision. Trap  
or no trap, he would go. It might be his only chance to anchor his  
soul and while the note had said that he should come alone, it  
didn't told him to come unarmed.  
  
***  
  
Slowly he walked into the abandoned warehouse, one hand close to  
his sword. The warehouse was dark and cold, yet he could detect  
several human heartbeats.  
  
"You have come, Angelus." A girl stepped out of the dark. She was  
small and he guessed that she couldn't be older than twelve years.  
  
"Are you... " "Heaven's singer...? No. But I'll talk to you before  
you can see him. I will ask you questions and you will answer,  
truthfully, if you really want to meet him. And don't try to lie  
to me, I'm an empath... I know when people lie to me."  
  
He nodded, a bit stunned by the forceful behavior of the girl.  
"Ask." "What do you want from him, Angelus? A vampire with your  
reputation for evil, what do you want from Heaven's singer?"  
  
Angel flinched at her usage of his other name, flinched even more  
when he heard the question. "I don't go by Angelus anymore. And I  
am not evil, not anymore. I got cursed..." "...by a clan of gypsies  
as punishment for killing their favorite daughter, yes I know. I  
also know that the curse was broken more than two years ago. So  
how did you get your soul back?"  
  
The eyes of the girl seemed to look straight into his soul and he  
felt compelled to tell her everything. So he did. Told her about  
his time as a soulless monster, how he had wanted to open a portal  
between earth and hell, how he had been recursed with his soul  
only to be sent straight to hell to close the portal again. He  
spoke about his last year in Sunnydale after being sent back from  
hell, about ascension and how he had moved to LA, Doyle, Cordelia,  
Wesley and how a drug he unknowingly had digested had released  
his evil side for the time the chemical had circled through his  
system. He told her about his fear to loose his soul again and  
about his search for a meaning to anchor his soul.  
  
She listened without saying a word. When he stopped talking she  
closed her eyes, concentrated. Finally she nodded. "You are  
speaking the truth." She stated. "Ghost will be able to help  
you... but I should warn you, he is afraid of you... he only  
knew that your curse was broken, not that you had been recursed...  
we spent the last month trying to escape from your notice... he  
finally gave up because he was to exhausted to run anymore."  
  
With these words she lead him deeper into the warehouse, crossing  
a group of children, Ghost's charges, the girl explained. Finally  
they reached a door that lead to the room that had been the office  
of the warehouse once.  
The girl turned to him. "Let me talk with him first." After his  
nod she slid through the door, closing it tightly after her.  
  
He didn't know how long he had waited in front of the door, it  
might have been only ten minutes, yet it seemed to be hours to  
him. Finally the door opened and he was allowed to enter.  
  
***  
  
Angel squinted, the office room was only illuminated by two  
flickering candles. The hairs of his neck started to raise as he  
noticed a familiar feeling. Vampire. Somewhere close by. He could  
barely suppress a growl, remembering the girl's warning that  
Heaven's voice was afraid of him.  
  
The girl crossed the room, squatting down next to the sitting  
figure of a young man. The man was sitting with his back towards  
him and Angel couldn't help but notice the tremors running down  
through the figure.  
"Ghost...," the girl gave the man a nudge, ".. he is here."  
The man, Ghost, stood up slowly and turned around.  
  
All breath left Angel, he felt like somebody had hit him with a  
sledgehammer, while Angelus was clawing at the bars of his cage,  
howling and demanding to be let out.  
  
"Xander."  
  
*** flashback ***  
  
Angelus stared at the naked beauty that was tied tightly to  
his bed. Soon the boy would wake from his sedated haze and  
then he would be his. His childe, his mate. His to claim. HIS.  
He smiled evilly. The slayer still believed that she was  
his main interest but why should he settle for somebody as shallow  
as her, when he had someone as complex and beautiful as the boy?  
Xander, loyal to a fault, courageous as a hundred slayers never  
could be. A dark male beauty and yet so clueless about  
it, so innocent... pure.  
  
Xander, the boy had always opposed him, when he still had been  
the souled wuss. Had always told everybody that he didn't like  
him, yet Angel had been able to smell his arousal every single  
time he had come close to the boy.  
  
Angel had wanted him too, yet he had never done anything to get  
him. Even as he had taken the Slayer's virginity, he had imagined  
it to be Xander's tight passage. That had been the moment of  
happiness, the moment when he had been able to so completely lie  
to himself that he actually believed that his partner was Xander.  
Now Angel was gone and Angelus was through with lying to himself.  
Why should he, when he could have the real thing, when he could  
have Xander? His heartbeat started to speed up, signaling to him  
that his 'guest' was waking.  
  
He turned to the bed wanting to witness the moment when the boy  
opened his liquid brown eyes. Wanting to watch him wake up  
for the last time... as a human, for then he would be his.  
  
***  
  
Xander blinked several times, his head really did hurt and the  
light was too bright. He couldn't remember what he had done, but  
it felt like he wouldn't be doing anything similar in the near future.  
Groaning he tried to stretch overly abused muscles only to find that  
he couldn't move. Alarmed he looked around to find himself in his  
worst nightmare. His limbs were tied to the post of a bed - not  
his bed his panicked mind noticed - he was naked and the psychotic  
version of Buffy's boyfriend was grinning at him like the cat who  
ate the canary. No... who was about to eat the canary and he could  
guess who would be said canary.  
  
His heart was racing and he felt a scream of pure panic bubbling  
up his throat. A clawed finger was placed over his lips and he  
gulped audibly as he looked into the ridged face that was way to  
close to him.  
  
"Don't bother. Nobody will hear you and it would only annoy me.  
You don't want to make me angry, do you?" The voice was soft and  
almost loving, yet the meaning of his words was very clear.  
Xander nodded and his breath hitched as he tried to swallow his  
scream. "Good boy," the vampire murmured, but he was still too  
close to him. Was still looking at him hungrily, like he was an  
especially delectable meal... and in a way he really was.  
  
A cold hand started to roam his chest and another type of fear  
started to rise in him. "Such a beautiful boy. You didn't think  
I would ignore someone as unique as you, did you?" Angelus' voice  
whispered in his ear. Xander shook his head, closed his eyes  
and tried to free himself with brute force. The leather  
bonds simply cut deeper into his skin, never giving an inch. A  
chuckle could be heard, before two fingers clenched punishingly  
around his nipple. He whimpered and the vampire chuckled again.  
"You're not going anywhere, pretty one." A cold tongue licked  
along his neck. He heard a rustle and then felt the bed moving  
as Angelus settled between his spread legs. Fingers stroked his  
abdomen then down his flanks and he couldn't suppress a shiver.  
"That's right, pretty one. Might enjoy it. I know I will."  
  
When the cold fingers closed around his genitals, Xander realized  
what Angelus was exactly planning. A silent chant of No's started  
in his head, yet he knew there was nothing that could stop the  
vampire. His eyes closed tightly, the chant in his mind growing  
louder and louder, he waited for it to end.  
  
***  
  
Angelus frowned as he looked at the boy's face. Xander's eyes  
were clenched tightly shut and tears were flowing down his face.  
That wasn't what he had expected. He had thought that the boy  
would argue more violently, that he wouldn't be able to take the  
boy's virginity without a fight. Yet the boy lay there... pale,  
still and silently crying.  
  
It didn't matter. He would take the boy, take his virginity,  
humanity and make him completely his.  
With skilled fingers he started to prepare the tight opening,  
his own cock coming to life with the thought of entering the  
hot channel of his chosen companion.  
  
He grabbed the lube from the night-stand and with a few hasty  
strokes prepared his cock. Slowly, oh so slowly, he pushed into  
the virgin hole. So tight and so wonderfully hot, he felt like  
he was burning from the inside out. Finally he was completely  
inside the boy... and as close to heaven as a demon could get.  
He stroked Xander's cock as he started to move, wanting  
the boy to cum with him. His movements becoming more and more  
frantic as he felt his balls tighten, felt the pre-orgasmic  
tingle as his face switched to its true form. He roared as he  
came inside the boy, feeling his hand being coated with the  
warm liquid of Xander's semen.  
  
Angelus struck like a snake, biting deeply into Xander's neck.  
The sweet, sweet blood flooded his mouth and all he could do was  
swallow the wonderful liquid. The taste...this was heaven.  
Far too soon he could hear Xander's heart laboring to beat and  
knew that it was time... or he would lose him.  
He ripped his tongue open on a sharp fang, then kissed the boy  
hard and long. His bleeding tongue deep in the moist cavern of  
Xander's mouth, Angelus forced him to drink the blood that  
had collected in his mouth.  
  
Xander's heart fluttered and fell silent. The boy released his last  
breath with a sigh and then he died. Angelus stroked the cooling  
face of his newest childe, tracing the drying tear tracks, before  
he released his bonds. It was time to clean up the boy and settle  
him down for the day.  
  
Tomorrow night he would awake as his childe and he would finally  
claim him as his mate.  
  
***  
  
He woke during noon the next day because of a scream. A scream  
full of horror and pain. Xander's scream. Angelus dashed out of  
his bedroom to find his childe standing in front of a mirror,  
a mirror that dutifully reflected the room... and Xander, in all  
his vampiric glory.  
  
Xander looked up at him and there was so much pain in his  
eyes, so much horror and self-disgust that it made Angelus chest  
tighten. He stepped closer to soothe his distraught childe... a  
horrible mistake. With a sob Xander dashed out of his reach,  
eyes darting around like a captured animal, before he made a  
decision. He raced to a heavy curtained window and crashed  
through it. Into the sunlight.  
  
Angelus stood there, stunned. His childe, his chosen mate had  
just committed suicide. And then he closed his eyes and howled  
with pain and loss.  
  
*** end flashback ****  
  
Angel remembered, all right. Angelus had gone a bit insane with  
his loss. The idiotic idea to send the world to hell had been  
born out of the apathy he had succumbed to after he  
had lost Xander.  
  
It also was the real reason for his move to LA. He simply  
couldn't bare to be in the library, staring at the empty chair,  
where Xander used to sit. Couldn't live with the accusing looks  
of the other slayerettes... they might understand that Angel and  
Angelus weren't the same being. Yet the fact that they  
couldn't even bury Xander had been hard on all of them.  
Surprisingly it had been Cordelia, who was the first  
and only one who had been able to forgive him.  
  
And now he was here, standing in this ratty old warehouse and  
his lost childe was standing in front of him.  
  
He couldn't believe it, he had seen Xander run into the  
sunlight. He should be dead, but he wasn't.  
  
Xander was alive.  
  
"Xander." He repeated.  
  
The eyes of the young man were glued to the floor, but  
he managed a shaky nod.  
  
"You... you are alive... but I saw you... running into the  
sunlight... you should be dead... I mean... I thought..."  
He stuttered, unable to believe his eyes.  
  
Xander turned to the girl, starting to make strange gestures with  
his hands. The girl turned to Angel. "Ghost says that the part  
of him that made him into the voice of heaven was forcefully  
woken when you turned him. It merged with his soul, caged his  
demon and made him literally undying. He said that he's tried  
everything to kill himself...," the voice of the girl hitched and  
she took a deep breath before she could continue, "... yet nothing  
could harm him."  
  
On shaky legs Angel inched closer to the younger vampire. He  
knew he mustn't scare Xander into running again, wouldn't be  
able to stand him running away again. Even Angelus knew that they  
had to be very, very careful now, or they would lose him and so  
he had stopped his wailing and chain-rattling for the moment.  
  
Angel's hand was visibly trembling when he reached out to touch.  
Xander's face was cold and he wouldn't look up, into Angels eyes.  
But that didn't matter now. All that was important was that he  
was here with him, alive.  
  
"I thought you were dead." He whispered as he tried to memorize  
the lines of his childe's face. Breathing in the unique scent of  
Xander. "I thought I had lost you forever."  
  
Xander's head bowed down and Angel could feel the cold tears of  
the young man wetting his fingers. At the same time Xander was  
gesturing with his hands again.  
  
"Ghost wants to know why you didn't kill him. Why make  
him live with these memories forever?"  
  
He stared at the girl, not really understanding what she was  
saying. But he could feel the boy in front of him starting to  
tremble violently and the tears were coming faster now. What  
did this mean? And why didn't Xander speak for himself?  
  
The girl looked at him and realization hit her. "You don't know,  
do you? All this time he has tried to understand why, and you  
simply didn't know." Tenderly she guided the crying man aside,  
helping him to sit down. Then she gestured for Angel to follow  
her.  
  
"You should know that Ghost is not very open about his past, he  
tries to forget it... But sometimes, when he is sad and his mental  
barriers are lowered, I can see images, snippets of his memories."  
The girl looked down, what she was about to say wasn't very easy  
for her. "Ghost's childhood wasn't very good. His father... his  
father used him as his toy, he took everything away from him,  
everything except his actual virginity... that you took from him."  
  
He stared at her, wanting to deny what he had just heard. But he  
couldn't. Suddenly it all made sense. Xander's lack of fight as he  
had taken him, he must have been used to similar "games" with his  
father. The look of horror when he believed himself forced into  
an endless existence of... . He wanted to retch, he felt so  
dirty and his demon was furious, demanding the heart of  
the vile human as a present for his distraught childe.  
  
But first he had to fix this. Nobody used Xander, not even he.  
He walked to the silent man, sat next to him.  
  
"I'm sorry," he murmured in low tones. "I didn't know. I didn't  
want to make fun of you or hurt you." Angel started to rub Xander's  
back and after an endless moment of rigid fear Xander relaxed  
into the soothing movements. "I saw you... Angelus saw you... and  
we saw something unique. You were so pure and beautiful and so  
yourself. I... he... we wanted you as our mate, our eternal  
companion. But I was a coward and then I lost my soul and Angelus  
was impatient. He wanted you so badly and he took want he wanted.  
And it nearly destroyed you." Xander had started to cry again  
and Angel pulled him into a hug, slowly stroking his hair.  
Murmuring calming nonsense while his chest vibrated with almost  
subsonic purrs. Angelus had discovered the calming effect of those  
purrs a long time ago, when he had created Drusilla.  
  
What had worked on his crazy childe, was working its calming  
magic on Xander as well. Slowly the boy calmed down, returning  
the hug and holding tightly onto him. It felt so good, so right.  
Angel let himself relax and before they even noticed,  
they'd both fallen into the deep sleep of the undead.  
  
***  
  
Feli looked at the intertwined figures and smiled. Both vampires  
had let down their emotional barriers and what she could feel  
from them was making her happy. Ghost was finally starting to  
heal and the other, Ghost's father/sire, he had been so confused  
at first but he would be good to Ghost now, would be good for  
Ghost. She could feel the deep love both felt for each other and  
she knew that soon Ghost wouldn't be alone anymore.  
  
*** later ***  
  
Ghost slowly drifted back to consciousness. It was strange, but he  
felt good, really good. He hadn't had a single nightmare while  
he'd slept... something that didn't happen very often. Muzzily  
he looked around. His eyes stopped at the peacefully sleeping figure  
of Angel, who had wrapped himself halfway around him. Angel... .  
Normally his vampiric sire had the starring role in most of his  
nightmares, yet now he felt safe in his arms. His greatest fears  
had been laid to rest. Finally.  
  
Slowly he eased out of Angel's embrace. He had to check on the kids  
and he needed some time to think... alone.  
  
  
Tenderly he stroked Felis check. She was sharing her blanket with  
Jenna and Mario, the newest additions to his group. A smile crossed  
his face, she was always the first to help the newcomers, she had  
done it for him as well.  
  
He could remember his first weeks on the streets only all too well.  
Always close to starving, mute and apathetic, he had almost become a  
mindless wreck. One night he had saved a young girl from a young  
fledgling vampire, almost getting beaten up in the progress. But  
his old slayerette instincts hadn't allowed him to pass by without  
helping. The girl had been Feli and Feli had decided to stay with  
him. She was like a whirlwind. Only living on the streets for  
three months herself, she had forced him back into life. It was  
her, who had taught him how to use sign-language, she had  
opened his eyes, had made him care.  
  
She was the one who had given him his new name. It had been a  
joke at first. Sometimes he forgot to make noise when he moved,  
appearing and disappearing seemingly from nowhere, so she had  
jokingly started to call him Ghost. The other kids followed her  
example and soon he was known as Ghost. He had been Ghost for the  
last two years... Xander had creased to exist. Yesterday had been  
the first time he had been called Xander since he had become a  
vampire. He rose from his squatting position. Angel... Angel  
would tell the others that he was alive, he knew that. But was  
he ready to become Xander again? Was he even able to become  
Xander again? He didn't know. He had changed so much, he wasn't  
even human anymore, yet he wasn't a "normal" souled vampire  
either.  
  
"Xander?" He turned around surprised, he hadn't notice anyone  
coming. Angel looked a bit rumpled... and worried. Worried for  
him, he realized with a start.  
  
"Xander, we need to talk."  
  
He had expected this. He had been afraid of this. What could he  
do? How could he explain? Did Angel even know sign-language? He  
looked straight at Angel. 'Do you understand me?' His hands asked,  
but Angel just looked at him, puzzled. Ghosts hands dropped to his  
sides. How could he tell... how to make him understand? He tried again.  
One hand pointing at his throat he shook his head, willing Angel  
to understand the simple gestures.  
  
***  
  
Angel was shocked as he finally understood the meaning of Xander's  
gestures. "You... you can't speak, can you?" Xander shrugged, but  
nodded yes and he could see something like relief wash over his face.  
"But why...? How..?"  
  
Xander's eyes dropped to the floor, ashamed, as a quiet sleepy voice  
behind him answered. "Heaven took his normal voice." He turned to  
the girl, who had acted as an interpreter the previous day.  
"But why?" The girl looked to Xander, who was making several gestures.  
Finally she nodded and turned to him.  
"Ghost can't accept himself. The part of him that makes him a vampire  
is suppressed by his soul. He tried to commit suicide several times.  
His self is fragmented and until now he hasn't been able to heal  
himself. He can sing, like no other being, it is part of his powers.  
But as long as his vampiric part hasn't merged with his soul, Heaven  
won't give him back his normal voice."  
  
Angels thoughts raced. If Xander couldn't accept himself being  
a vampire, how could he accept him trying to become a part of his  
life again? His shoulders slumped as he realized that he might not  
be able to be with his childe again.  
Xander started gesturing again. "Ghost suggests a trade." "Trade?"  
What was the meaning of this? "Ghost says that he will anchor your  
soul to you, if you help him come to terms with his vampiric part."  
  
This was a dream, right? It simply felt too good to be true, yet  
when he looked at Xander, his childe was smiling at him. One of  
the real smiles that Angel had missed so much. The smiles that  
made him melt inside.  
Angelus was drawing his attention towards him, urging him to  
accept the deal. He wanted this too. Even if it meant that he  
had to share this body with the soul, even if he had to stay  
caged for the rest of his life, he liked this better than the  
thought of being separated from his chosen mate forever. Two  
years had been long enough. At least this way he could stay close  
to him. An answering smile lit Angel's face. "You got yourself a  
deal."  
  
Xander's smile seemed to get a hundred times brighter. He opened  
his mouth, his eyes started to glow with an unearthly light... then  
he fell to his knees, his head clutched in his hands. "Oh." The  
girl said. "What happened?" Angel asked a bit confused. "He got  
a message from above." The girl pointed towards the ceiling.  
Oh indeed. Xander had stopped rubbing his forehead and had started  
to sign again. "Oh not so fast." The girl stopped talking, starting  
to gesture herself. He stood there, watching them speaking yet  
being absolutely silent.  
  
Finally Xander stopped and the girl turned to Angel again. "The  
message Ghost received was for you. It seemed that you are at a  
turning point and have to choose." Choose what?" "Your fate." She  
said simply. "There are two different possibilities. If Ghost  
sings for you, your soul will merge with your demon and you will  
become like Ghost... except for the voice part. You will be  
undying, but you will stay a vampire forever. If you choose for  
Ghost not to sing, you'll have to live with the fear of loosing  
your soul again, yet also with the real possibility of becoming  
human again."  
  
He stared at her unbelieving. "Human?" She must be joking. "Human."  
She said earnestly. Human! He could become human again! For real,  
not just 24 lost hours. Living, he could really live, feel a  
heartbeat pulsing in his chest, sunlight and breathing and doing...  
doing a lot of things forever denied to Xander.  
  
Angelus wailed in his mind, pleading with him not to choose this,  
knowing that he would be cast out of this body eventually,  
knowing that this choice would affect his already wounded mate  
deeply. //If you choose this way,// his demon shouted, //Xander  
will never be able to accept himself and he will never be able to  
speak again!// And he knew that Angelus was right. If he couldn't  
accept himself, how could he help Xander come to terms with his  
own demon? Anyway, who was he, that he deserved to become human once  
more? He turned to Xander. "Please, do it. I want you to anchor  
my soul."  
  
Xander's face lit up like the sun, he closed his eyes and then he  
started to sing.  
  
Angel had never, never heard anything like this before. It was so  
sweet, yet bitter, sad, but joyous... it was everything and more.  
He could feel the power building up.  
  
Xander started to glow a soft golden light and then a wave of  
light flooded the room, submerging him.  
  
Angelus screamed, as he was ripped forcefully out of the body, yet  
Angel wasn't listening... he was too busy screaming himself, for he  
too was forced to leave the body.  
  
He was floating... they were floating, demon and soul hovering over  
the fallen, glowing body. They looked down at their body in surprise  
and then they looked at each other. For the first time they saw each  
other as they really were.  
  
Angelus was beautiful, in a dark kind of way. Large black wings, a  
cat-like tail swishing around his legs, no ridges marring his face,  
but two slender silver horns poking out of a mass of black hair.  
He had yellow cat eyes, fangs and claws, but it looked natural on  
him.  
  
Liam looked down at himself. As far as he could see he looked like  
himself, like his human self, just a bit more human than he could  
remember. He hadn't looked this pure as a human, had he? He turned  
his head, startled to find that he too, had wings, as large as  
Angelus', but gleaming white.  
//Angelus?// He asked, already knowing the answer.  
//Liam// the demon replied with a purr.  
  
Tendrils of light started to flow around them, drawing them closer  
together, closer and closer. The light started to pulse, then there  
was a bright flash of light and they weren't anymore... only he.  
And he was Angelus, he was Liam, he was both and neither. He was the  
result of both of them merging. A souled demon, a demonic soul. Not  
demon, not human, but both. He stretched, then looked down to find out  
how he looked like now. It seemed that he had taken over most of his  
appearance from Angelus, yet the wings were Liam's. White.  
He smiled, feeling the fangs resting lightly against his lower lip.  
He was finally one. Now he truly was Angel.  
  
With a flash he was back in his body. It felt strange not to share  
his body with another one, after all he had been two for a bit more  
than a hundred years. Strange, but good. He could get used to this...  
oneness.  
  
Angel opened his eyes, looking around. Xander had stopped singing,  
was huddled on the floor in a small miserable heap. Angel could smell  
burning flesh... burning vampire flesh. He rushed to his childe's side,  
stopping short when he saw... burns, deep, ugly, painful burns.  
"How did that happened? He asked sharply, with a hint of a growl in  
his voice. Nobody hurt his childe!  
  
"The music burns him. It happens every time he uses the voice." The  
young girl was busily putting ointment on the nastiest burns. "Why?"  
"Because the voice is holy. Holy things burn vampires, remember? And  
since he has not accepted the vampire inside him, the voice attacks  
his demon, burning him, but not killing him since he is undying.  
He heals and then he starts again, helping, using the voice, getting  
burned and healing."  
  
He looked down at the young man. So much pain, how could he stand  
it? He didn't know, he only knew that he had to help his childe.  
Xander needed blood, fresh. Human was good, sire's blood was better.  
He nestled the boy in his arms, then he tore into his wrist,  
tasting his own changed blood. It was his now, no longer the  
stolen blood of another living being. He placed the bleeding wrist  
over Xander's mouth, gently urging him to drink. He felt the first,  
questioning licks and then, when Xander latched on the wound, the  
sucking motions that were so much like a mother nursing her child,  
so good, so right. Xander was his childe, his to take care of, his  
to nourish and to love.  
And when he looked into Xander's eyes, he saw, for the first time,  
a reflection of his emotions.  
  
*********  
  
Angel didn't know how long he'd sat there, nourishing Xander  
with his own lifeblood. He didn't want it to end, but he was  
starting to get dizzy, so, with a twinge of regret, he eased  
his wrist out of Xander's mouth. Xander blinked at him sleepily,  
then rolled into a ball and fell asleep. That was good, he would  
heal faster this way. Absentmindedly Angel started to stroke the  
silky soft hair; that had grown so long since he last had seen  
him.  
A warm hand touched his shoulder. He looked up. The girl was  
standing in front of him, handing him a plastic cup, filled to  
the brim with blood. Grateful he accepted the cup. The blood  
still held the kind of warmth that only a living body could  
produce. He drank and barely suppressed a shudder. Rat blood!  
It was almost alive, but still... rat blood was really nasty, one  
of the worst things around. Still he emptied the cup, needing the  
blood to replace what he had lost. He grimaced at the vile  
aftertaste.  
"I'm sorry, but that is all we have." The girl murmured. "It's  
OK," he muttered, but it wasn't. Rat blood, his childe was feeding  
on rat blood. That was not, absolutely not acceptable! He turned  
to the girl. "Is that all he eats?" "When he remembers to eat,  
then yes. Sometimes we have to force him."  
  
That was worse than he had expected. There was no way his childe  
could develop properly while surviving only on the meager means of  
rat blood. He needed real blood, human blood. Come to think about  
it, he realized that he himself needed to change his diet. It was  
unthinkable to stay on the unhealthy diet of animal blood... yet  
he had no desire to start hunting humans again. He was startled  
when he realized that he thought of humans as equal lifeforms, even  
felt protective about some of them. Well, there were other ways to  
supply themselves with human blood, that wouldn't harm humans  
in any way. He had to talk with Nwal Edesch...  
  
Angel was abruptly ripped out of his thoughts, when his cell phone  
started to ring. With a sigh he answered the damned thing and  
was a bit surprised when a worried Cordelia started to bombard him  
with questions. He started to understand her worry when he looked  
at his watch and realized that he had been gone for more than 14  
hours. Patiently he listened to Cordelia's rambling while he was  
trying to find the best way to persuade Xander to come with him.  
  
"Angel?" Cordelia sounded annoyed and he had learned the hard way  
that there was no greater force on earth than a annoyed Cordelia.  
"Angel, are you listening to me?" "Cordelia...? I'm sorry, I  
was... distracted." He could hear her mental gears starting to kick  
up at that answer, but at least she would stop sending deathglares  
at the phone... he was convinced that her glares were extremely  
unhealthy... at least for him.  
  
"Distracted? By what? Where are you, anyway? You simply vanished  
into thin air, never saying where you were going and all I know  
is that you tried to meet that 'voice' person..." She stopped as a  
new thought hit her, "Angel, did you find the Voice?" "Yes," he  
answered softly, looking tenderly at the figure rolled into a tight  
ball on the floor, his face relaxed in sleep had started to heal.  
He had found the Voice and so much more. His childe, his mate, his  
heart and unity. "And? Come on, Angel. Did he do it? Details, I  
want details." "It's a long story... a very long story and this  
is not the right time. I'll tell you when I'm back at the office,  
OK?" "OK. Bye." He could hear her pouting at the phone as she  
disconnected and couldn't suppress a grin at her childish tone.  
Cordelia was really one of a kind.  
  
The girl was looking at him intensely and for the first time he  
noticed that he didn't know anything about her, not even her name.  
She seemed to be a big part of his childe's life and he wanted to  
know more about her. His eyes drifted back to his childe.  
"You want to take him with you, don't you?" Her gentle question took  
him by surprise, yet he was able to answer with a nod. He wanted  
to have him with him all the time, was addicted to his smile, needed  
to see him, touch him, be with him.  
  
"Then come, I want to show you something." Curious he followed her.  
She stopped in front of several children, sleeping children. Many of  
them shared their simple mattresses and blankets with others.  
"This," she pointed at a small blond boy, "is Mario, this is Jenna,  
he is Sharim and this is Tracy." Her finger pointed to each child as  
she recited their names. "Jeremy, Mike, Joey, Laura, Anne, Wei-Ling,  
Toby, Julia, Peter, Sharon. I am Feli and we all are Ghost's children  
and when you take him with you, we will follow."  
  
Angel looked at the children, stunned. Fifteen, Xander was taking  
care of fifteen street children. True, he had seen them on the way  
inside, but then he had been so focused on the possible meeting  
with Heaven's voice. Now was the first time he looked, really looked  
at them.  
  
Small, they were so small, was his first thought. And some of them  
looked really thin. But they were sleeping peacefully, without the  
fear of being kicked out of their sleeping place, without the fear  
of being abused by gangs or older street people. He looked at the  
children and realized that here were fifteen children that wouldn't  
prostitute themselves out of hunger or need. Fifteen souls Xander  
had saved. These children were his childe's adopted family and it  
would be the worst mistake he could make, if he tried to separate  
them.  
  
He was going to need a bigger home.  
  
"Do you think they will come with me? Do they know what he is,  
what I am?" He voiced his next worries.  
"We all know that Ghost isn't human, yes. He insists on warning  
them about the supernatural dangers on the streets as soon as they  
come to us. They don't know about you yet, but I'm sure that will  
change soon enough. And will we come with you? Of course we will.  
Ghost trusts you and I can feel that you don't want to harm us. So  
why wouldn't we follow you and Ghost? And before you ask, yes, Ghost  
will come with you. He needs you and even when he was afraid of you,  
he longed for you."  
  
Angel lowered his head, ashamed. "I didn't wanted him to be afraid  
of me. I just wanted to love him, but every time I came close to  
him he lashed out at me. When I lost my soul I decided the easiest  
way to win his heart was by turning him, making him mine... I wanted  
him to become my mate... you should know, when vampires mate, they  
mate for life. Unmated we are not monogamous, but mated we stay  
eternally faithful to our chosen partners...." He wanted to say  
something more, but Feli interrupted him with a squeak. "Ghost!  
You promised not to do that anymore!" He turned around and there  
stood Xander. His face was paler than normal, but his features were  
healed and there was that look on his face. That look of longing,  
need, love and insecurity.  
  
He stood and strode towards him. "You listened?" Xander nodded, his  
hands starting to sign. "Do you really mean it?" Feli translated.  
Tenderly Angel stroked his check. "Yes, I mean it. Every single word  
and more." He pulled him into a hug, continuing to stroke his face.  
"You are my one, the one that completes me, the one both demon and  
soul wanted to be with, the one *I* need to be with." The body in  
his arms started to tremble as he murmured into his ear. Xander's  
hands were shaking when he gestured. 'I want to come with you,  
there is so much I need to know and I too, want to be with you,  
but the children...' "We will take them with us, Xander, we won't  
leave them behind. It might get a bit crowded, but I think I can  
find us a bigger home. A home for us and your adopted humans and  
my adopted humans. A place were we can be happy." He felt the last  
bit of tension drain out of Xander's body and knew he had just  
taken his last worry away. And he would come with him. He and his  
children. Now there was only one fear left. What was he going to  
tell Cordelia?  
  
***  
  
Ghost looked around Angel's home. He was impressed. It was a bit  
dark and sparsely decorated, but it was spacious and very much Angel.  
He smiled at Angel, who had just helped Sharim, the smallest of the  
children, out of the sewers. Mentally he shook his head. They hadn't  
needed to go through the sewers, even with the sun high in the sky.  
Angel had been a bit surprised when he had been told that he  
wouldn't burn in the sunlight anymore, with him being undying and  
all. But Angel had thought that it would draw too much attention  
if they went through the city, he, Ghost and fifteen children. And  
Ghost had known that Angel was right. If only the sewers didn't  
smell so bad! Especially to his enhanced senses.  
  
Ghost shook himself out of the fleeting thoughts, watching as the  
children started to explore their new home. He couldn't suppress  
a smile as Angel barely rescued his ax out of the curious hands  
of Wei-Ling. He should have warned him that the young girl loved  
all types of hand-weapons, but it looked like Angel had learned  
that already... the hard way.  
  
Joey and Laura were chasing Mario around the kitchen table, while  
Jeremy and Toby had started to pull books out of the shelves and  
were now leafing through 'Monstra Noctis' and 'Dalek's Encyclopedia  
Demonica', trying to impress each other with the pictures of demons  
they were finding. Time to help Angel a little and get them settled.  
He put two fingers into his mouth and released the loudest, sharpest  
whistle ever heard outside New York. The children stopped what they  
were doing, looking at him expectantly. With Felis' help and a few  
comments from Angel, they finally started to settle down.  
  
He had just finished telling Toby that, no, he couldn't color all  
the nice monsters he had found in Angels copy of 'Monstra Noctis',  
when he heard a squeal behind him. A voice he had thought he would  
never hear again. He turned around and the young woman, who had  
just been shocked by the appearance of a bunch of children in  
Angel's home, was turning chalky white.  
  
"Oh my God. Xander."  
  
He moved just in time to catch Cordelia when she fainted.  
  
***  
  
Cordelia had seen a lot of strange things in her life. She had  
almost been turned into a Frankenstein-like monster, had staked  
numerous vampires, had seen a major-demon get toasted and  
several other odd things but this took the cake. Her old  
boyfriend, whom she had believed dead for more than two years,  
was hovering over her, looking at her with worried eyes. This  
had to be a dream! Xander was dead. Dead at Angelus' hands. And  
dead people couldn't sit on the edge of the couch, gently wetting  
her face with a washcloth, right?  
  
"Xander?" She murmured and the Xanderghost nodded at her, still  
wetting her face with that damn cloth. "But you're dead." She  
protested weakly. He shook his head and then her heart nearly  
stopped. Xander changed. His face took on the ridged features she  
had seen way too often in her young life. He took her hand  
in his too cold ones and pressed it against his face. Slowly she  
let her hand wander over his brow-ridges, down to the cheekbone.  
He closed his golden eyes, breathed a soft sigh. "How?" She needed  
to know. "I did it." Angel answered her question in a soft voice.  
"When I was Angelus, almost two and a half years ago. Xander, he woke  
up a vampire and still had his soul. He couldn't take it and ran  
into the sunlight. I believed him dead."  
Cordelia watched a single red tear trailing down Xander's face. She  
wiped the tear away. Xander had a soul, he *was* still Xander. He  
was different but he was still here.  
  
"That is not all, Cordy." Angel's voice interrupted her musings. "I  
think you should settle down, cause this could take a while." She  
raised an eyebrow, but snuggled down in Angel's comfy chair. "I'm  
comfy. Start explaining." Angel smiled a half-smile at her commanding  
tone and launched in the story.  
  
*********  
  
"So let me get this straight," Cordelia looked from Angel to   
Xander and back, "You," she pointed at Angel, "turned Xander  
because you were in love with him. He," she turned around to  
Xander, barely noticing Angels answering nod. "He ran away   
because he was afraid you would use him." Xander looked down, not  
meeting her eyes. "Then it turns out that he is 'Heavens singer',   
but he is mute and the adoptive father of fifteen, my god,  
fifteen children! Is there anything I forgot?" She let herself  
slump down into the chair with a dramatic sigh.  
  
"Well," Angel tried not to meet here unbelieving stare, "there  
is something else. You know I searched for 'Heavens voice', because  
I hoped he would anchor my soul to me... ." "And, did he do it?  
Anchor your soul, I mean. No more freaky Angelus appearances in the  
future?" "Not exactly," Angel rubbed his temples, he could feel the  
beginnings of a serious headache... a true sign that he had been  
around Cordelia too long. "Xander made sure that I could never lose  
my soul again..." Cordelia squealed in delight. "...because he  
merged my soul with my demon," he continued. The squealing stopped.  
He started to count. One, two, three... "WHAT?!"   
  
Angel had expected this. He had known she would be furious, yet   
the knowledge didn't made it any better.  
Cordelia had turned to Xander, "Are you fucking nuts?" She screamed,  
looking around for the closest stake. "Merging his soul with insano  
guy! Dammit, there's a reason, tons of reasons, that Angelus   
shouldn't be around and you made him come to the fore again!" Cordy  
had found a stake and was getting closer to Xander, who looked at  
her with wide eyes, seemingly paralyzed with fear. And she was still  
advancing.  
  
Angel growled when she got too close to his childe and shifted  
features. With a startled yelp he fell to his knees. It hurt! His  
growl changed, becoming a whimper when the unexpected pain pulsed  
through him. It felt like the time when he had digged himself out  
of his grave, when he had just been turned. The pain of rebirth.  
His head hurt, his spine, back, hell he hurt everywhere! Dimly he  
could hear Cordelias worried voice, yet he couldn't concentrate.  
  
As sudden as the pain had started it stopped again. Angel became   
aware that the room was silent, except for his harsh, unneeded  
panting. He looked up, seventeen pair of eyes stared at him, some  
in wonder, some with joy and shock. What had happened? He felt  
strange, yet somehow better, like something that had been terribly  
wrong for a long time had been finally righted.  
  
Slowly he pushed himself up to his feet, his tail automatically   
outbalancing... wait! Tail?! He looked down and yes.. there was a  
long, brown furred tail, moving restlessly around his legs. Numbly  
he stared at the new limb, a small part of him wondering how this  
thing could have grown out of his spine without destroying his   
pants... until he noticed that the tip of the tail was furless and  
as sharp as a blade. That explained it, but not his other, more  
urgent question. Why did he have a tail?   
Then it hit him. Angelus, he had had a tail, when they had been   
outside their body and he had taken over the tail when they had   
merged. But that would mean... one hand shoot to his back, the   
other to his face. No ridges, he couldn't feel the ridges and he  
knew they should be there... yet they weren't. His other hand   
encountered feathers, soft, smooth feathers. He turned his head  
and there they were, as large and as gleaming white as he   
remembered. Wings, and he bet the horns were there as well.  
  
"Angel?" Cordelia asked softly, not believing what she had just  
seen with her own eyes. "Angel, is that you?" He nodded, not feeling  
like he should disturb this moment by speaking. "This is, oh my   
God, that is so.... I don't believe it!" She reached out with one  
hand, carefully, like the image before her was fragile and would  
break and disappear. Barely touching she trailed the outline of  
one of the feathers. "OK, I believe it, but how... why?" "I don't  
know, but I feel good... whole"   
He shifted his position, concentrated and could feel the wings   
fanning out. "And you don't feel the need to sent the world to hell  
or run around, sucking people dry, do you?" She asked worriedly.  
"No," he shook his head, "but..." "Yes?" Angel sighed and ran a  
hand through his hair, feeling, for the first time, the two  
slightly curved horns growing out of his head. This wouldn't be  
very easy. "I'll go back drinking human blood again and Xander,"  
he locked eyes with his childe, "you will drink it, too" Xander  
shook his head emphatically and Cordelia opened her mouth to protest  
loudly.   
  
"Stop, Cordelia! You can complain about it later, but now you  
*will* listen, understood?" For a short moment his eyes switched  
color, becoming crimson red instead of the normal vampiric gold.  
Cordelias mouth snapped shut and she nodded mutely. Angel turned to   
Xander. "Listen to me, Xander. Your body needs the human blood, the  
nutrients only provided by human blood. But I'm not saying that you  
should go out and start hunting humans. That would be wrong. But  
you don't have to. I know of a tribe of Liutiki demons here in the  
city. They need human flesh to survive, but they are not able to  
hunt humans... they are too small. So they have founded a firm that  
deals with the disposal of biohazard and made a deal with the  
hospitals in the city. They get what they need and get paid for the  
disposal of 'human waste'."  
  
He stopped, looked at Xander. Even without knowing sign-language or  
being a mindreader he could see the big question marks in his eyes.  
"A short time ago I helped one of them and he asked me if I wanted  
to tap into their deal with the bloodbanks. See, the bloodbanks uses  
them for their wastedisposal too and while the Liutiki eat human  
flesh and bone, they can't consume the blood. Part of it they sell  
to several demon bars, but partly they have to dispose it as waste.  
So I'm going to set us up for a steady supply of blood that humans  
donated freely and that otherwise would be thrown away as waste.   
Is that such a bad thing?"   
  
Slowly Xander shook his head, smiling. No that, that wasn't really  
bad, it was actually a good thing to do.  
  
Cordelia cleared her throat. "Uh Angel, when you have known about  
this possibility for some time, why didn't you do it anytime  
sooner?"  
He ducked his head. "Because I thought I should be punished and  
there are few punishments worse than the denial of human blood."  
"Oh," Cordelia muttered and there really wasn't anything she could  
say.  
  
Angel tried to sit down, but his wings and the tail didn't made it  
easy to get comfortable. There had to be a way... he concentrated at  
switching back and found it as easy as his normal change of features.  
Well, it was a weird feeling when the wings shrunk back to become a  
part of his back again, but finally he was able to sit. He looked at  
Cordelia, who had been awful quiet, too quiet for her standards.   
"Cordy, are you OK with this?" He needed to know. She was one of his  
few real friends and her opinion mattered to him, even if he would  
never admit it out loud when she was around.   
True, she hadn't tried to stake him yet or thrown him her patented  
deathglare, but he needed her to say it.  
  
Cordy rubbed her eyes sighing. "Yeah, I think. Well I think... I mean  
that's a lot to think about and I think I should go home now, eat a  
lot of ice-cream and have a long, futile talk with Dennis. So I'm  
going now.... Oh by the way, Wes called. He's coming around tomorrow.  
You know, he had found some other *really* exciting dusty boring   
scroll. He hopes you can translate it. You do speak Xigrest, do you?  
Bye Xan, bye kids." And she vanished via the door.  
  
***  
  
Ghost stared after her. Cordy-speak, almost as effective and as  
confusing as Willow-babble. He hadn't heard it for a long time, but  
it hadn't changed a iota. Next to him Angel was groaning. He turned  
his head and saw the patent pained Angel-face. Ghost couldn't help  
it, really he tried not to, but it was too strong for him. For the  
first time since he had lost his old life he was able to forget,  
forget everything and be drawn into the moment. And he dissolved into  
bouts of helpless silent laughter.  
  
***  
  
Angel groaned. Wesley, he totally had forgotten him. The threat of  
a furious Cordelia had been too overwhelming, he had forgotten about  
the ex-watcher. True, he was almost sure that Wes wouldn't react as  
violent as Cordy, but he might try to poke and prod him, until he  
*wished* he was dead, when he found out about his new appearance.  
The fact that Cordelia had gone into overbouncing mood wasn't helping  
either, for he *knew* that she would come to the office tomorrow,  
complaining to him that he had let her eat so much of the figure-killing  
ice-cream, despite the fact that he couldn't have stopped her from  
raiding the fridge, even if he had been with her.  
  
Xanders shoulders were shaking. At first Angel thought that he was  
crying, but when he saw his face, he realized that Xander was  
laughing. Almost violent bouts of laughter shook through him. It was  
scary in a way, because it was completely, almost eerily, silent,  
but the mimic was truly Xander.   
His childe was laughing, probably at him, but he was laughing. And  
suddenly all his worries and sorrows vanished into the background,  
not mattering anymore. All that mattered was that Xander was happy.  
Angel could feel his own lips twitch upwards and there was something  
... bubbling inside him. It felt unusual, but he decided to go  
with it. He threw back his head and laughed.  
  
***  
  
Angel woke up the following evening, because he felt strangely  
heavy. He raised his head and found that one of the boys had curled  
himself on his chest and was sleeping deeply, drooling a bit onto his  
stomach. Another child was hugging his legs, she too was deep  
asleep. He looked around. There were few children sleeping around,  
lying on the most comfortable surfaces of his apartment. Obviously  
he himself did also count as a comfy surface. That left him with a  
small problem. How could he get up from the couch without waking the  
kids? He was hungry and he needed a shower. His head fell back to  
the couch as he thought about that problem.  
  
Footsteps... and a wellknown heartbeat. It looked like the answer  
to his question was just walking down the stairs to his apartment.  
He raised his head just in time to see Wesley coming walking into  
his field of view. The look on his face was priceless.  
  
"Angel???" "Shhh, Wes. Or you'll wake them up" And that would be  
a bad thing, because he didn't have control over the kids like  
Xander or Feli did. He shuddered inwardly at the thought of brightly  
colored woodcuts in his priceless collection of demon-books.  
  
"Could you?" He eyed the sleeping boy and then looked back to Wesley.  
Wes blinked at him owlishly, but then he seemed to understand.  
Careful he lifted the boy from his comfy sleeping place. Angel did  
the same with the little leghugger, stood up and rearranged them on  
the couch. He turned to Wesley, who was obviously bursting with  
questions. "Could we talk about this upstairs? I don't want to wake  
them and, trust me, this will get loud." To his great relief Wesley  
decided not to ask any question and just walked to the office.  
Angel made a beeline to the fridge. The shower could wait a while,  
breakfast couldn't. He shuddered involuntary as he chugged down the  
pig blood. Tomorrow, he promised himself, tomorrow he would drink  
the real stuff as breakfast, he just had to set up the supply line  
tonight.  
  
He wiped his mouth and went upstairs, there was no use in letting  
Wes wait.   
  
*********  
  
Ghost woke up rather abruptly, when someone kicked him into his  
side. He looked around. Someone had put him into Angel's bed and  
the children had followed him. Nine of the children were draped  
on and around him in an almost impossible jumble of limbs. Sharim  
mewled and kicked out again. Obviously he had another of his  
nightmares. Slowly he worked one of his hands free, reaching out  
to the badly dreaming boy. When he touched the boy, Sharim tensed  
for a moment, until he seemingly recognized the cold hand and  
snuggled back into Ghosts side, his nightmares gone with the   
lightest touch of a loving hand. Ghost smiled for a moment. He  
wished all the problems could be solved so easily.  
  
Unconsciously his chest started to vibrate with silent purrs, for  
even while his purrs were completely soundless, the gentle vibrating  
of his body helped to ease the children into a more peaceful sleep.  
The side effect of his purring was that he normally didn't slept  
alone, there was always one of the kids that couldn't sleep. He  
looked around counting heads.   
Jeremy was missing... he normally was one of the first to come to   
him with sleeping problems. Either he had fallen asleep without the  
help of his purrs or - and he couldn't hide a small grin at that  
thought - or he had found a perfect replacement.   
Since vampires generally tended to purr while sleeping, he could  
assume that some of his children had deemed Angel as a perfect   
comfortable sleeping place.  
  
With a smile on his face he let himself drifting back into the  
comfortable haze of half-sleep. The lulling sound of the children's  
beating hearts, the warmth of their mortal bodies, it all drew him  
deeper into the realm of sleep.  
  
***  
  
"So you are telling me that your childe Xander, who is also  
Heavens Voice, didn't anchor your soul, but merged it with your   
demon, with Angelus?" Angel nodded, quite thankful for the fact   
that Wesley took the news relatively calm.  
Relatively, for he could see and smell his emotions. Wesley was  
uncomfortable with him, he suppressed his fear, but that didn't  
mean that he wasn't afraid of him, for he was afraid... a lot.  
"Then a part of you consist of Angelus emotions and needs, right?"   
He nodded again. "So how does this being merged affect you, there  
are lots of contradictional behavior-patterns between your soul  
and your demon, how did you worked around them?"  
  
Angel frowned. "I don't know. It just happened. There was no great  
inner conflict, no final battle. One moment we were two, the next  
I am one. Whole. Do you have any idea how it felt to be finally  
healed from that separation in my mind? There were two, fighting,  
for a hundred years, for dominance of my mind and body. The soul  
normally had the upper hand because of the curse, but that didn't  
meant that Angelus was silent. He wasn't. He was loud, shouting,  
begging, cursing, doing anything to gain my attention. And there  
was no way to escape from that voice, it was inside me. The only  
way to silence him would have been death, but I couldn't do that."  
  
He paused, debated how far he could go with Wesley, how much he  
could tell him. "I *am* different now, Wesley and I don't know  
how that will affect us all or how long it will take to relearn  
myself. But that is not the only thing that you should know....  
during the merging my soul and my demon were outside my body. We  
saw each others as we really were... and it looks like my physical  
appearance as a vampire has changed to the merged appearance of  
the spiritual body of my demon and my soul. There is no other  
explanation for what has happened."  
  
Wesley looked at him, fascinated. "Show me." His voice was tinged  
with excitement. Angel closed his eyes, concentrated and felt the  
change wash over him. He opened his eyes to gauge Wesley's reaction.  
The ex-watcher was staring at him with wonderment in his eyes.  
Wonderful...," he whispered, "that's... I thought ..." He stopped and  
simply stood there, watching the vision in front of him.  
  
***  
  
Ghost was dreaming. He knew he was dreaming, he had had this dream  
many times before... He stood in a cave, water was dripping somewhere  
in the darkness and he could hear the echoing screams of a tortured  
creature. His feet carried him closer to the middle of the cave,   
closer to the screams. Bizarre stone pillars emerged out of the   
shadows, only to reemerge with the darkness as he passed by.   
The painful whimpers and screams became louder as he came closer to  
his goal. He already knew what he would find, yet he couldn't stop  
himself.  
  
In the middle of the cave, there was a cage. Its bars were emitting  
a pale green light and they were as sharp as razorblades. The   
floor of the cage was consisting of sharpened knife-edges. Inside  
this cage was the creature, chained to the floor with heavy chains.  
Everytime the creature moved the sharp edges were cutting him and  
his blood flowed to be swallowed by the hungry floor.  
The creature whimpered in pain and he reached out for it, only to  
discover that his hands were slick with blood... the creatures  
blood.  
  
Ghost's mind reeled. Normally he would have woken up now, his mouth  
locked into a silent scream, but he was still here. Slowly he  
stepped closer to the cage. The creature looked up, looked at him  
with pleading eyes. "...help..me..." It was barely the shadow of  
a whisper. Ghost stared at the creature. It was him, yet not. It  
was his demon, but he was suffering so much. "...please.. ??" The  
demon begged. Ghosts heart arched as he heard the almost hopeless  
voice. He needed to help, he simply had to help. But how?  
"How can I help you? Who looked you in?" "You... did... hurts...  
don't hate... me..." Ghost was perplexed. How could he have locked  
his demon into such a cage? He touched the cagebars, images flooded  
him and then he understood.   
  
The cage was made out of hate. Each time his demon cut himself he  
was swamped with the hateful feelings and memories Ghost was having  
for vampires. And there were a lot of them. Jesse being turned into  
a vamp by some nameless, faceless vampire, only to die when he fell  
on the stake he had been holding, turning to dust in front of his   
stunned friend. Buffy's lifeless body, drowned by the Master, random  
minions attacking, killing or turning his classmates, forcing him  
to stake people he had known before....  
The chains binding the demon were formed out of his fear. Fear of  
what he could become, memories of fangs and pain and helplessness.  
  
So the only way to free his demon was to stop hating and fearing him.  
He looked at his demon, who was so different from what he had  
imagined his demon to be. It was his own face, that was looking back  
at him, his own voice that pleaded with him to stop the pain. There  
were differences, but not of the type he had expected. The physical  
differences he had expected, for while he had sung he had been able  
to see the merging of Angel's soul and demon. So he had known how   
Angel's demon had looked like, had drawn his conclusions, but the  
other aspect he hadn't been able to foresee: his demon was afraid  
of him. He could see the fear clearly in his golden eyes. His demon,  
he looked so young. It looked like he was watching himself, cowering  
before an unknown danger.  
  
"What is your name?" Ghost didn't know why he had asked, but he felt  
like he needed to know. "I don't have a name. No one gave me one."  
The demon looked down sadly. "You didn't gave me a name."  
Something melted in Ghost's heart as he watched the nameless demon,  
so clearly upset by the fact that he hadn't had a name. He couldn't  
hate him, he simply couldn't. And when he realized this fact, the   
bars of the cage dissolved into nothingness and the floor became a   
smooth surface.  
  
The demon looked around and, for the first time, his field of view  
wasn't blocked by the wicked bars. He touched the floor and it didn't  
cut him. Ghost could see the joy in his eyes, the relief of being  
freed from the pain. True, the demon was still chained, Ghost still  
feared what he could become if he let him roam free. And the demon  
was still nameless, but at least this Ghost could change.   
  
"Hey," he called softly, waiting until his demon looked at him. "I'm  
sorry, I didn't know how my feelings were affecting you. And I have  
no idea how long it will take until the chains will go, but at least  
I can give you a name." Ghost paused for a little while, then he  
continued. "You know, you remind me a lot of myself, well, before...  
and since I don't use my old name anymore, maybe you would like to  
have it.... Alexander." The smile on the newly dubbed Alexander's   
face told him all he needed to know.   
  
***  
  
"I have found something." Wesley sounded excited. Angel looked up.  
After the ex-watcher had overcome the phase where he had simply  
looked at him, he had quickly slipped into research mode, trying to  
find information about creatures with his appearance. Without  
successes.. until now. "Are you familiar with the story of the   
thousand tribes of Ur and the prophecy of it's rebirth?" Angel  
shook his head.   
Wesley took a deep breath and then he began.  
  
"In the beginning God created humans. But when he created the first  
woman, God became a bit overenthusiastic and the woman became too  
different from the man. When Lillith found out that she and Adam  
were incompatible, she ran away, finding meager solace in the arms  
of devils.  
Lillith got pregnant and her children were the first demons... they  
gave into their demonic urges and Lillith couldn't love them. She  
got pregnant again and again, trying to bare children she could love,  
that would allow her to be a mother to them, but every time the  
children were tainted with the devils essence and rejected her.  
Finally she turned away from the devils, wandering into the desert,  
to find forgetfulness in the ocean of nothingness.  
  
God hadn't forgotten about Lillith, he had watched her and when she  
turned away from the devils, he sent her an angel to help her.   
Raphael, the gentle healer angel. They stayed together for a long  
time and they fell in love with each other. Lillith finally asked  
God to allow them to have children. God blessed them and Lillith  
bared twins, a boy and a girl and finally Lillith was able to be a  
mother.  
  
Her children grew up, being taught by her and Raphael. And they  
went and gathered Lillith other children around them, as well as  
several trusting human families and together they build Ur, the city  
of the thousand tribes. The twins were the first of the Elutarym,  
they were balancing out the differences between the tribes and helped  
Lillith's other children to overcome their violent demonic   
tendencies. Together with their children, Raphael and Lillith ruled  
the city and Ur grew to become a heaven for all type of creatures."  
  
Wesley stopped, showing Angel a careful colored drawing he had found  
in the old volume. A man with wings, a woman with horns, tail, fangs  
and claws, Raphael and Lillith. Two others, a man and a woman, who  
looked like a combination of their parents, who looked like him.   
Iofiel and Kochab, Lillith's children, the first Elutarym. "They   
look like me, but how is that possible?"   
  
"Well," Wesley had read a little further, "It is written here that  
the Elutarym procreated through a ritual of bloodexchange with   
humans. Over a period of three mooncircles the Elutary that wanted  
to become a parent and a willing human had to exchange blood. The  
human would be slowly changed into a Elutary. And while the Elutarym  
ate normal food, they also needed human blood to live and the people  
of the city gave it freely to them. In exchange the Elutarym   
protected and teached them, a true symbiotic relationship."   
  
"Sounds a little like domestic vampires to me." Angel commented.   
"But how do I fit into this story?"  
  
"There were people, who were envious of the peaceful city. They  
called themselves the Descendants of Cain, but the author writes  
that they weren't related with the first murderer, just using the  
name to strike fear in the hearts of other people. These people had  
very bloodthirsty habits, they were said to be cannibals and   
ruthless warriors. They had heard of the Elutarym and wanted their  
power for themselves. Their mages weakened the spiritual defenses of  
the city and they stormed Ur. The Elutarym fought with everything   
they had, but the tribe of the Cain followers was to big and one  
after one the Elutarym fell. When Lillith saw the last of the Elutary  
fell, she cursed the intruders to become creatures of darkness,  
godless and ruled by their baser needs, vile and to be hated by  
everyone. The Descendants of Cain became the Chajalahat Uoluuht, the  
Eater of the dead."   
  
Again Wesley showed him a picture. The artist had done everything to  
make the Chajalaht appear as vile as he could. Beings, half human,  
half worms, with stick-like arms, fingers that were mostly claws and  
round mouths that were filled with rows of fangs.  
  
"Raphael had been wounded in the battle and Lillith had to watch him  
return to heaven, not knowing when he would come back. She had lost  
her children and her husband and God saw her wounded heart, allowed  
her to fall asleep, until her children returned to earth and Elutarym  
again roamed the earth." Wesley closed the book. "That's a sad story  
Wesley, but how do I fit in?" "Think about it Angel, the Descendants  
of Cain had many disgusting habits, one of them was to drink the   
blood of the fallen warriors." "The Elutarym," Angel realized, "they  
drank the blood of the dead Elutarym." Wesley nodded. "It appears  
that way, for not all of the intruders changed into Chajalahat when  
Lillith cursed them. Some stayed humanlike and disappeared into the  
darkness and nobody ever found out what had happened to them."   
  
"Vampires," Angel muttered, "they were the first vampires." "Yes. And  
while their appearance was still human, Lilliths curse affected them  
as well." Wesley started to polish his glasses. "It looks like you   
broke Lilliths curse when your soul and Angelus merged."  
Angel sat down heavily. "I'm not a vampire anymore?" "No, but as  
far as we know, you'll still need blood to live." Angel rubbed his  
temples, this all was happening too fast. He needed time to think  
and he wanted to check on Xander and the kids.  
  
"Angel?" "I need some time, Wesley. It is so much...." He stopped  
midsentence and stared to rub his temples again. Wesley understood.  
"I'll come back later." He said and left, leaving Angel to ponder  
all the meanings and consequences of their discovery.  
  
*********  
  
Feli slowly walked up the stairs. Ghost was having healing dreams,  
the others were still sleeping as well, only Angel was missing  
downstairs. So now she was looking for him, she had the feeling that  
he needed a little bit of company and she had learned a long time  
ago to trust her feelings. She peered into the office, looked at  
the silent figure sitting there. Now she could see where Ghost had  
gotten his brooding tendencies. Angel was really good at it, she  
could tell, yet there was no brooding allowed around her. Ghost had  
learned that quickly and now it looked like Angel was about to learn  
it, too. "What are you thinking about?"  
  
Angel shook his head. "It is nothing... nothing important." He  
sounded honest and Feli would have believed him... if she hadn't felt  
the lie-vibes he was emitting. "That's a lie and you know it." Angel  
looked at her astonished. She laughed. "I'm an empath, remember? I  
can feel your emotions, memories too, if you let me. I can feel it   
when people try to lie to me, it feels not good, like a full-body   
itch." She grinned mischievously. "Try to think a bit more about   
Ghost, the vibes you are emitting then are much nicer." Angel was   
really really thankful for the fact that he couldn't blush, or   
his face would have been an almost purple color with embarrassment.  
"Aren't you not a bit young for that type of thought?" He tried to  
change the topic. Feli shrugged. "You grow up fast when you have to  
deal with being flooded with other peoples emotions, you have to.   
Either you handle it or you go insane. And don't try to change the  
topic, it won't work."  
  
***  
  
Angel sighed... it looked like he was going to have a long and   
emotional exhausting talk with this mini-adult. But maybe it would  
help him getting a clear head. So he took a deep breath and began.  
  
***  
  
Ghost blinked sleepily when he woke up. For a moment he didn't know  
where he was. Then he remembered. Angel's home, Angel's bed. And he  
remembered his dream. The meeting with his demon, with Alexander.  
Ghost stretched, then let himself relax as he thought about his demon.  
Alexander was so different from what he had imagined him to be. In  
retroperspective he realized that it was probably because the demon  
had never had the control over their body, not even for a fleeting  
moment. No, Alexander had been lonely and in pain for the last two   
years and combined with the memories of Ghost's mortal life it had  
formed his being.  
  
Ghost shook his head and started to slowly wriggle out from beneath  
the children. It wasn't the time to think about his demon, it was   
time to prepare for work. He grimaced slightly. Work was not very  
fulfilling. Working as a packer in the back of a department store   
was a very monotone thing, but he needed the money for his kids. It  
wasn't much he earned, but he couldn't be picky, there were only so  
much jobs for mute people who hadn't even finished highschool. He  
sighed as he finally managed to escape from the bed. Sometimes the  
children reminded him of little octopuses, clutching at him like   
they really had suckers on their limbs.   
  
Careful he tiptoed to the bathroom, happy that for once he wasn't   
forced to use the shower at the homeless shelter. He let the hot   
water pour down on him, basking in the warmth that was giving his  
own cold body a degree of momentary body heat. There were moments  
when he became painfully aware of the fact that he was undead, his  
lack of body temperature was the most obvious one for him. He missed  
the warmth, even more than he missed his heartbeat. At least, and he  
smiled a half smile as he stepped out of the shower stall, at least  
he had kept his reflection. He looked at the half fogged mirror and  
his reflection looked back. Sometimes he didn't recognize the picture  
in the mirror as himself. It looked so different, so earnest and   
adult and sad. He couldn't find a trace of the carefree-looking teen  
he had been once. But today the smiling face was his and even if he  
had changed a lot, today he could find residues of Xander.   
  
***  
  
It had been worse than Angel had expected. Talking with an empath  
was really embarrassing. She noticed every of his half-truths or tries  
to escape an uncomfortable subject and then she would nail him on it.  
On the other side he noticed that it was helpful to speak certain  
things aloud. It helped him to cope. So he wasn't a vampire anymore,  
but as Feli had pointed out, he hadn't been a normal vampire since he  
had been cursed the first time. He had no experience with mortal   
children, but he had people who would help him, would teach him. It  
was really strange, but for every argument, every problem Feli helped  
him to find an answer. But it was still embarrassing.   
  
Someone knocked against the doorframe and thankful he looked up.   
Xander was standing in the door and he looked like he was going to  
work. He started to sign as soon as he had Feli's attention and Angel  
learned that Xander *was* going to work. He hadn't thought about it   
sooner, but now he realized that taking care of so many kids has to  
cost quite a bit of money. Money only Xander had provided for them,  
until now.   
  
Angel insisted on driving him to work, he wanted to see where his   
childe and future mate was working and yes, he wanted to escape Feli's  
questions. He drove to the address Xander had written down for him   
and learned about the lowly job his childe was doing. Frankly said,  
he was upset. Xander deserved more and better than this. Everything  
he was was wasted there, he could give so much more. And he realized  
with just how less money Xander and the kids had survived the last  
years. This was unacceptable! He wanted to take him back home, to   
tell him that he would have to work never again, for he had more then  
enough money (not that he told that Cordelia, mind you), yet he could  
already see Xander's negative reaction. No, Xander needed to work, he  
needed to add his own part, but couldn't it be something more fitting  
for him?  
  
He drove home, thinking about it. One the way to the door he found his  
answer. Angel smiled. His idea was so simple and elegant, his smile   
grew into a grin... and he already had the perfect little accomplice   
for his plan.  
  
***  
  
Alexander paced as far as the chains let him. It felt good to have  
at least this small means of freedom. He still couldn't believe that  
the cage was gone. For two years, since he had been born in the heart  
and mind of the mortal, the cage had been his world. A painful world.  
He didn't knew why, what he had done wrong or even why the soul hadn't   
left the body when he had come into existence. Instead the soul had   
locked him away, to suffer. The soul was stronger than him. He sat  
down unceremoniously. It had been a surprise when the soul had come  
to him, easing his suffering and releasing him from the cage. He had  
felt the strength of the soul then, the raw and pure power and he had  
known then that he would never take the body against the will of the  
soul. And strangely he didn't want to go against him. It had been so  
nice to be held, to be cared for, no one had done this to him before.  
He stood up and started to pace again. Ghost had promised that he   
would come back to him... he missed the soul already.  
  
***  
  
It was a setup. Ghost had known it the moment he had come through the  
door and had seen that smile on Feli's face. But the knowledge hadn't  
helped him very much, Feli simply knew him all to well and Angel was  
siding with her. Unfair! There was no known defense against his  
begging puppyeyes. With a silent grumble and a sigh he submitted.  
He would quit his job tomorrow and start to learn to become a demon  
doctor. Ghost couldn't help but shake his head as he saw the look of  
triumph on Feli's face.  
  
*** A few days later ***  
  
Kate Lockely had made a decision. A difficult decision. She needed to  
know more. More about the different types of demons, how and where  
they lived and how to kill them. She needed answers and the only one  
who could give her those answers was Angel. As much as she hated to  
admit it, she needed his help, his knowledge and experience.  
  
She looked at the door, so boringly normal. Who would have guessed  
that a vampire lived behind it? She knocked and entered the office.  
And stepped into total chaos. There were at least ten children in the  
office, ten loud children. She looked around, stunned. Three children  
were standing in front of a young man, all screaming that they were   
next, while he was carefully hand-copying a woodcut of an Asgridak  
demon, Angel's secretary was sitting in front of her desk, a cell  
phone wedged between her ear and shoulder, talking, while she was  
painting the nails of two little girls. The other man, she had seen  
him with Angel before... Wesley, he was reading in two different   
books at the same time, his fingers in his ears to block the noise.  
And Angel? She looked around until she found him. Angel sat by a   
small boy who had a squirrel on his shoulder and he was reading to  
him about the proper care of small animals. Kate took a step deeper  
into the office and almost stumbled over a child that was lying on  
the floor, carefully coloring the penciled drawing of a demon.  
  
Angel looked up. "Kate." Suddenly it was silent and there were a lot  
of eyes looking at her. Kate looked around. "What's happening here?"  
She asked with disbelieve in her voice. Never she had imagined to   
find something like this. It looked more like a kindergarten than an  
office of warriors against the supernatural.  
  
***  
  
Angel sighed and gave Sharim his book back. Kate. Why now? He stood  
up slowly, watching her out of the corner of his eyes. The look of her  
face was priceless, utter astonishment and disbelieve warring with  
something that looked a lot like hysterical laughter. If the situation  
had been different he would have started to laugh loudly at her. But  
his relationship with Kate was tense enough and he could live just   
fine without her trying to stake him. True, he couldn't die anymore,  
but a stake through the heart *hurt*, even worse than a sword though  
his gut, but he squashed that train of thought rather quickly.   
  
"Hello Kate." He tried to remain an even voice. It was a hard thing  
to do, but he had the experience of a century of brooding and   
displaying as much emotions as a brick wall, he could do this. Kate  
stepped towards him, careful now, scanning the ground before her as  
if another child would pop up in front of her feet. "Angel... I.. we  
need to talk." Angel had expected something like this, had known that  
she would come after she had worked through the grieving process for  
her father and the fight with her rational side about the fact that   
frighteningly real demons could do frighteningly real damage, he just   
didn't know what she wanted to talk about.   
  
He opened the door to the back office and Kate walked through it.   
With a slight sigh and after a short look to the other adults in the  
office, he followed her and closed the door behind him.  
  
Kate launched into full-blown cop mode the moment the door shut behind  
him. "OK, Angel, what is the meaning of this?" "The meaning of what?"  
His voice remained calm, yet he couldn't help the short twitch of his  
lips as he fought against a grin. "Don't play with me Angel, you know  
exactly what I mean!" She gestured against the office. "Those kids!   
Where do the come from? What are they doing here? What are *you* doing  
with them?" He bristled at the implication of her last question.   
"These kids are Xander's children, streetchildren he had taken in and  
protected.. since he now lives with me, his children live with me too.  
I'm not doing anything to them, well except reading to them and other  
things like that." "Who's Xander?" Angel stepped to the window to the  
office, pointed. "See him? The young man in the corner? That is   
Xander. He is 'Heaven's voice', the lights greatest force on earth.   
He's also a very young man with a big responsibility burdened to him."  
Angel's voice had softened as he spoke about his childe and he did  
nothing to hide the smile on his face. Things Kate noticed immediately.  
  
***  
  
Kate was confused. At one side she could feel great respect for the  
young man, who was taking care of so many children. But he was   
living with a vampire, with a creature that should be banished into  
nightmares. And yet, as she had seen Angel, patiently reading to that  
boy she had felt that odd twitch in her chest, the same twitch she had  
felt every time her father had chosen his work over her. She didn't  
know what she should feel, how she should feel about all this.  
And Angel had feelings for the man, for Xander, she had seen it in  
his eyes as he spoke about him. Could vampires love? Or was it only  
Angel? "You love him." She barely recognized her own voice, so soft  
and caring, she couldn't remember the last time she had used this   
particular cadence. He nodded. "Yes." "So vampires can love or is it  
just you?" He seemed to thought about that particular question. Then  
he came to a conclusion. "Vampires can love, Kate. Vampires can feel  
the same emotions than humans can, except guilt. That is something  
unique, only I and Xander can feel it, you need a soul to feel it."  
  
His answer shocked her. Xander was a vampire? She looked through the  
window, looked at the man who was having a girl sitting in his lap,  
careful and slowly combing her hair, before he plaid it into a tail.  
He looked so .. so unvampiric! She needed to get out here, before  
she was finally unable to gather one clear thought. "I... need to go  
now... I need to think..." Angel nodded understandingly and opened  
the door for her. She rushed out of the back office, through the   
office and out of the door, like the devil was hot on her tail. And  
maybe he was... not the real one, but the one in her mind, the one  
who could tear down her entire world-view with a swipe of his hand...  
  
Her thoughts jumbled and she leaned against the wall of the building,  
taking a deep breath. Again and again her mind replayed the scenes  
in the office. She didn't know it, but she was crying, as she finally  
let go of her great plans to avenge her father.  
  
***  
  
The oracles were pleased. The vampire had adjusted to his new role as  
balance keeper rather easily, the soul of the police woman had been  
saved from the abyss and the other balance keeper would be going   
through his metamorphosis during the course of the next months. All   
the pieces were coming together... all that was needed now was time...  
and time was something the oracles had a lot of.  
  
*** several weeks later ***  
  
Cordy's vision about the Hyperion had been a godsend, Angel mused.  
After they had killed the demon responsible for the psychotic   
behavior, it had been really easy to buy the building. Cheap too,  
after all, who wanted to live in a hotel where people where going  
crazy all the time?   
  
Angel looked through the lobby, at the books and crayons and other  
things scattered everywhere in the room. It gave the room a certain   
atmosphere... how had Cordy called it... the 'lived-in-look'. A smile  
hushed over his face. Yes, there were actually people living in this  
building, living, not just existing. He, Xander, Wesley and Xander's  
children. Cordelia had refused to move here after they had failed to  
find a way for Dennis to move as well. So as long as he was bound to  
the apartment she would stay there... after all Dennis had become a  
friend to her. It was a disappointment for the kids, after all Cordy  
had really bonded with the girls, spoiling them and teaching them  
girl-stuff.  
  
Wesley was teaching the children too. Really teaching. Writing,   
reading, math and demonology. He was a good teacher, the kids loved  
him and he was enjoying it. Angel leaned back in his chair, thinking  
about all the things the last weeks had revealed. He could see it,   
imagine it, one day the young ex-watcher would become a terrific   
father, better than his own or Xander's or Wesley's. And he would be  
there, to watch over the children of a friend.  
  
***  
  
The dreams about Alexander were coming more rapidly now. Once he had  
dreamed about his demon once or twice a month and now there wasn't a  
single night when he didn't met him, talked with him and held him   
when his memories ripped opened old wounds. He knew Alexander quite  
well now, liked him actually. His demon was decent guy. Ghost smiled  
at that thought, yet it was true. Alexander had never done anything  
evil and he had the feeling that the demon wouldn't start being evil  
if he freed him from the chains. Soon... soon the chains would go, as  
soon as he completely trusted him.  
  
***  
  
Feli snuggled into Ghost's sleeping form, he had fallen into bed  
exhausted. So much to do and Ghost was trying to do everything at the  
same time. He was learning so hard and still found the time to be   
with her and the others. And his dreams... she snuggled closer to him  
as she felt his mind slip into *that* place. The place where his other  
half lived. Before he had started to live with Angel, his visits to  
this place were short and painful, but now the visits became longer  
and longer and the feelings he emitted were those of friendship and  
understanding. He was getting closer to his vampire half and this  
closeness was effecting his behavior and his emotional landscape.  
Ghost was loosening up, smiling more often and once in the last days  
she had seen him bounce! The chest beneath her fingers started to   
vibrate with gentle purrs and Feli slipped into a deep sleep.  
  
***  
  
Angel glanced into the bedroom and couldn't suppress a smile. Xander  
was curled on the bed, sleeping in a position that was comfortable  
only to cats and vampires. Attached to his side, like his own personal  
limpet, was Feli, sleeping soundly as well. It was a view he was  
becoming rapidly familiar with, after all he had seen it, or something  
similar every of the previous nights.  
  
He stepped to the bed, carefully untangling the girl from Xander,   
picking her up. Perhaps he was a little bit selfish, but tonight he  
wanted Xander all for his own. The last time had been rather hectic  
and when Xander wasn't learning, then he was helping one of the kids  
or was out with Cordelia or Wesley, who wanted to learn more about him.  
Now Angel needed him, needed him to be here, needed to feel him, to   
smell him, to be with him. Quickly he carried the sleeping girl out  
of the room. Wesley had gone to bed two hours ago and would surely be  
asleep by now. Angel was sure there were already one or two children  
sharing his bed, so Wes wouldn't be so suprised if he added Feli to  
the melee.  
  
Silently he crept into Wes' room, using all his stalking skills not  
to wake up Jeremy and Tracy, who were using Wesley as their own   
overgrown teddybear. Careful he placed Feli next to them and quietly  
he left the room to return to Xander... and a hopefully children-free  
bed. Tonight Xander was his and only his.   
He slid under the sheets, inching towards him when Xander rolled   
around, embracing him.  
  
***  
  
The body in his arms was too big to belong one of the kids. Ghost  
blinked and looked into the brown eyes of Angel. For a second he   
stiffed, when his memories took him to another time, another place,  
where he had woken up to look into that eyes, colder, yet the same,  
when he had been helpless and vulnerable, defenseless in front of   
Angelus. But Angelus wouldn't do it again, ever, Ghost remembered and  
he relaxed. Angel had seen, felt his reaction and Ghost could see the  
sadness settling on his face. And he hated it. The past was the past  
he couldn't change it and Angel couldn't as well. All they could do  
was learn from it and try to prevent the bad things from happening   
again. He didn't want to flinch when someone touched him from behind,  
he didn't want to shy away from Angel when he woke up...he loved Angel  
and he.. he didn't want to remember how he had lost his virginity.  
  
Maybe it was time to make some new, some better memories with Angel.  
Decision made he leaded forward and kissed the tip of his nose.  
  
***  
  
The kiss took Angel by suprise. He looked into the expressive eyes of  
his childe and could only read determination and love. Xander's mouth  
was curved into a gentle smile as his hands started to roam Angel's  
chest. It felt so good, like electricity tingling over his skin,  
before starting a fire in his blood. But Angel needed to be sure. If  
he read this wrong and acted in an unexpected way, he could revoke  
bad memories. Xander's tongue started to follow the path of his   
wandering hands and Angel knew he had to ask now, before his brain  
started to melt from the pleasure.   
  
"Xan...Xannnder...," he half moaned, his breath hitching when the  
tongue, sweet clever tongue, dipped into his navel, circling a wet  
path around it. Xander looked up. 'Stop ?' his hands asked and Angel  
thanked all gods he was aware of that he had decided to learn sign  
language. "Only if you want to. I just need to know that you want   
this. Do you?" Xander crawled up until he half lay onto Angel's chest,  
looking into his eyes. Then he nodded, starting to rub himself against  
suddenly ultrasensitive flesh and Angel stopped thinking, wasn't even  
able to speak, all he knew, felt, was the urge to respond in kind to  
the sensual creature on top of him.  
  
He didn't know how long they had petted, caressed and licked each   
other, didn't know when they had shed their bedclothes, he only knew  
that when he finally emerged out of the haze of pleasure, that both   
of them were naked and that he felt the need for his mate to possess  
him, for him to claim him. "...in me.., please I want you in me..."  
  
***  
  
Ghost stopped when he heard the whispered plea, heard the need in the  
voice. He looked up, met Angel's eyes. Questions were asked and   
answered silently. 'Lube' he mouthed the word to Angel. It was a bit  
awkward, for he didn't knew the word in sign language, wasn't sure   
that there was even a word for it, but Angel thankfully did knew what  
he was asking for. He felt for the nightstand, his eyes never leaving  
him. The searching hand finally reached the goal and Ghost suddenly   
held a brand-new tube of vanilla scented lube in his hands... his   
shaking hands. It took a few moments for him to uncap it. The aroma  
of vanilla flooded his senses, mixed with the sharp musk of their  
shared arousal.  
  
Angel spread his legs and Ghost couldn't believe that this could work  
for the hole was so tiny, yet at the same time his cock twitched with  
want. He needed this and from the looks of it, Angel needed it too.  
Slowly, oh so slowly he started to circle the tight plucker with one  
lube-covered finger. Angel's moans grew louder, needier and finally,  
finally Ghost's finger entered. It felt strange, but good and he had  
to do something right because when he started to move, Angel's hips   
bucked upwards and his cock jerked. A bit more sure he added the   
second finger and finally a third. And Angel bucked and moaned and his  
cock weeped pale pink precum. With a tiny bit of regret Ghost removed  
his fingers out of the now stretched hole. He used more of the lube  
to slicken his erection and nearly came from the sensation of cool  
wetness. Taking slow, unneeded breaths, Ghost calmed himself until he  
no longer had the feeling he would explode with the lightest touch to  
his cock. He crawled forward until his cock was resting firmly against  
the quivering hole. Then he nudged forward.  
  
***  
  
Angel moaned hard when he felt the cock, sweet glorious cock, against  
his hole. He could feel the head inching forward, passing the ring of  
muscle and then he slammed downward and the cock was IN him and he  
was filled with the length of his mate and he couldn't help it, but  
scream out in fulfillment.  
  
For a moment both were still, panting for unneeded breath and then  
Xander started to move. Angel's world narrowed to the cock inside him.  
The cock that owned him, possessed him, claimed him forever. Then   
Xander changed his angle and suddenly Angel was very aware of his own  
cock, that was now rubbing against Xander's belly with ever trust.  
  
***  
  
He was close, he knew that. Ghost could feel the tightness in his   
balls, but something else was happening. Something unexpected. Deep  
in the back of his mind demon and soul were becoming one, in a   
similar act of pleasure. Yet now was not the time to think about it,  
Ghost buried himself in Angel for one last time, before the white   
bliss of orgasm swept him away. Dimly he was aware of Angel following  
him over the edge.  
  
He didn't know how long he had been lost in the waves of orgasmic  
pleasure, but when his mind finally returned from the place of bliss,  
he was aware of several changes. For one, he felt very close to Angel  
now, not just loving close, but mated close. A good change. The other  
change was good as well. He was one. Ghost and Alexander. Xander. He  
was Xander. A different Xander, older and maybe a bit more mature   
than he had ever believed to become, but the youthful joy of Alexander  
was so much like the joy he had felt before.  
  
Angel was holding him close. And for the first time he had the feeling  
to belong in his arms. "Love you." he heard him murmuring in his hair.  
"Love you, too." He whispered in reply, before he fell asleep.  
  
The end  
  
(will be continued in the next story: "Songs of the present") 


End file.
